I haven’t been the best blog friend these past couple of weeks. I’m way behind in my reader and the posts I have read, I haven’t been commenting on. I’ve seen both good and bad news and I hope you all know my thoughts are with you. I appreciate your support these past few weeks through both the good and bad news.
I went in for what I thought would be my last RE appointment. I thought this appointment was unnecessary, just a favor to me so I didn’t have to wait too long since my last ultrasound until I got in the see the OB. It seems like the days when I’m feeling the most confident are the days when I get the worst news.
After last week’s amazing recovery from the scare the week before it appears this little one didn’t grow much and at some point in the past 6 days the baby’s heart stopped beating.
I’m defeated, heartbroken, angry and just tired. Physically, emotionally and psychologically tired. I’ve been having a lot of mild nausea all week. Yesterday I was very nauseous all day. I thought that was a good sign. Unfortunately, I guess it doesn’t mean anything.
The RE sent me to the radiologist as a double check, but they confirmed that there was no heartbeat. So that’s it. My worst fear has come true. I’m losing another hard won pregnancy.
My last “miscarriage” was not really a miscarriage. My babies were alive and kicking in the ultrasound that late night when I went to the hospital. And then, I’m ashamed to admit this but I’m not really sure when they died. I think it was at some point in the birthing process but I honestly don’t know. In the extreme terror I felt that day, I made some choices that I regret. I never saw or held my babies and I told the nurse not to take any pictures (which apparently is something they usually do). So I don’t know if my boys were dead when they were born or if they died shortly after birth. At the time the decisions were made, it was some sort of self-preservation instinct that drove them. I knew that they were way too young to survive and I guess I assumed that they would be dead when born. In hindsight I can only say that in my irrational mind it seemed like it might be less real or it might hurt less if I didn’t see my dead babies. Now of course I regret those decisions and wish that I could go back in time and see and hold each of my boys and grieve for them properly instead of denying what was happening out of fear and pain.
In this pregnancy I’ve been planning to have a “natural” birth when the time came. I think partially to reclaim some of what I feel like I gave up with the birth/death of the twins. I wanted to fully experience what I was afraid to last time, even the pain.
So now I’m waiting for a miscarriage. My RE offered the option of a D&C but at this point I’d prefer to avoid surgery if possible. D&Cs have the potential to cause scar tissue which could make it difficult to get pregnant and goodness knows we already have enough difficulty. It took 2 years and 2 IVF cycles to get pregnant with the twins. Then almost 2 more years and 3 ART cycles (1 FET & 2 IVFs) to achieve this pregnancy. When we are ready to try again, I can only hope that it doesn’t take another two years. I’m not sure I have it in me.
And if you’ve made it this far, this is the point where I ask for help. Since I haven’t had a real miscarriage before I don’t know what to expect. I know that many of you have heartbreakingly been through this before. If any of you feel up to letting me know what I can expect and any advice you have to give, I’d appreciate it. Feel free to email me privately at email@example.com if you care to share. Please note that I will not ever share anything you choose to send me, so don’t worry about that. I’m sure the experience is different for everyone. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see how it goes for me. My RE said to come back in a week and a half to see how things look whether it’s happened yet or not. Who knows if it takes too long, I may have to change my mind about the D&C.