I disappeared again, I know. I have two reasons (excuses) for my absence. First and foremost I have been so busy that I have not had time to write. I start drafts of posts and after a sentence or two I have to leave it for another time. I don’t know how those of you who write every day do it. How do you possibly have time to live your life and then write about it? Second but not unimportant I’ve been feeling like I’m in some in-between place and I don’t really know how to describe it. But, I’ll try. It’s the feeling that I’m no longer who or where I was but I’m not yet who or where I’ll be. Does that make any sense?
The truth is, it’s been getting all new-age-y up in here. It feels strange to say (write) this, but I feel like I’ve started on some sort of spiritual journey. Now don’t roll your eyes at me, let me explain. This all started at the end of 2014 when I rediscovered a gem of a yoga studio in my neighborhood. I haven’t stuck with the yoga classes (go figure) but I have been attending various workshops over the past few months including a full-moon circle and a Mantra Meditation workshop. In fact when I think about it it really started in early 2013 when I started going to meditation lectures with my husband. I connected with one of the lecturers and signed up with her as a teacher. This was quite expensive but something I felt like I needed to do. I was in a very bad place emotionally at the time. It was around the 1-year anniversary of the loss of my twins and since that loss I had suffered a chemical pregnancy and a failed IVF cycle. Losing the twins was extremely hard and I consoled myself with the idea that I would get pregnant again soon. I never thought that a year later (and now 2 years later) I would still be in the same place. So all of that along with another birthday, which as we’re all told is the kiss of death for our fertility, had me in bad shape. I attended a small group lecture with this teacher where she “taught us how to meditate”. She gave me a mantra and via a couple of individual coaching sessions helped me to get a little control back over my life which felt like it was out of control. I tried to meditate, but it just never stuck. I would much rather just spend that extra 30 minutes in bed instead of sitting there trying to meditate. But even though I was not able to put it into regular practice, I feel like it was the doorway into a larger experience.
This larger experience is what I think began at the very end of 2013, when I started seeing … wait for it… an energy healer. I know it might sound all woo-woo and kooky to some of you, and that’s ok. But honestly, I LOVE it. I’ve had 5 sessions with this person over three months and I feel so different, it’s amazing. I’m still not pregnant, I still don’t have any living children but my emotions are SO much more stable and my outlook is much more positive than it was. I’m really not sure how all this energy healing stuff works, but I do believe it’s working for me. You could make an argument that it’s just coincidence, because that’s what the negative nelly that lives in my brain says. And I suppose, it could be. But it feels like more… it feels like there is more and I’m just beginning to discover it.
So that’s what’s been going on in my life. Oh and did I mention that I’m in PARIS! Yes, I am in Paris. My husband happens to be here for work so he already has the hotel room and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity, so I bought a ticket. That’s what credit cards are for, right? Since my 37th birthday just passed without much fanfare, I’m considering this a gift to myself and an investment in my future happiness. And now with Spring in the air, it seems that, so far, 2014 is my year of spiritual awakening and Parisian adventures. I can’t wait to see what else this year brings.