I realize today is Wednesday and Mel has closed the official Microblog Mondays post for this week but Monday was a holiday and my office was closed so it’s Tuesday as far as I’m concerned. And Tuesdays still count for Microblog Mondays so here I am. And on top of the day debacle this post may not be so micro anyway so maybe it’s good that I missed the cut off.
Also it’s the first day of ICLW which I did not sign up for this month but in case any of you added me to your reader from previous months I wanted to give you some content to read baby. Happy ICLW. I love how this movement encourages us to connect with each other via meaningful comments and not just lurk and read as I’m prone to do most of the time.
So you want content – here you go. I know it’s been awhile (again) but after every failed cycle I find that I need some time away from this space to disconnect from the pain. I know most of you can understand that, unfortunately. I have multiple drafts of posts that I started but never had time to finish. In my post cycle mania I drafted a whole post of goals and things I was going to work on to try to be good enough, worthy enough for a successful cycle. Now don’t worry, logically I know that I AM worthy and I AM good enough and with distance I don’t feel the same way, but in the despair of loss after loss, cycle after cycle trying to self-improve my way to a baby is a coping mechanism. There is only so much we can control and that is my way of feeling like I have some sort of control over these outcomes, delusional as it may be.
The big news here is that things are changing. Big things are changing. I may have hinted at this before (can’t remember if I actually posted that or if it’s still sitting in my drafts folder) but I wasn’t ready to talk about it at the time. There is some weird part of me that doesn’t want to jinx things by putting it out there. But on the other hand I need to put it out there to make it happen right? Who really knows how these things work. All I can say is that I’m changing and my life is changing. I haven’t really had the time to do all the new year’s stuff. The 2014 reflections and 2015 dreams and planning. I want to and maybe with my birthday this weekend I’ll have some time to do some of those things, but probably not so you’re getting a little bit of it here. 2014 was a year of major shifts, internally with me. I was exposed to and dove head-first into a whole new spiritual sub-culture that I didn’t even really know was out there before. I especially want to acknowledge the wise women/full-moon circle I’ve been attending for really bringing a sense of sisterhood and support into my world. I’ve been exploring and exposing myself to new ideas and taking what feels right for me into my view of the world. This is something I want to continue to do this year. I hope to increase my connection with my intuition and guidance and see what else is in store for me.
One of the very real, very physical things 2015 has in store for me is… leaving my city of the past almost 16 years and moving somewhere new. It’s scary and exciting. I alternately feel boundless possibility and overwhelming anxiety when I think of these changes that are happening in my life. But it’s good. It feels like the right thing to do. And it feels like there is opportunity for new things to happen on the fertility front in this new environment. So do me a favor and cross your fingers or say a little prayer that my baby(babies) like this new home and want(s) to be born there and that this is what they have been waiting for all along.