Tonight marks the official beginning of Fall in the northern hemisphere. How is it fall already? Seriously, how did that happen? I can’t believe it’s almost the holidays and then the year will be over. Another year between IF treatment cycles… I’m getting too old to be waiting that long between cycles but it’s been an interesting year so far. At the end of last year, after my miscarriage from my last IVF cycle, I was in a really bad place emotionally. I was just not dealing well with life in general. It’s amazing how much can shift in a year. I’m certainly not in perfect shape mentally or emotionally but I’m so much stronger than I was. This year has really been one of spiritual discovery for me. I’ve gotten insights into things that I didn’t even know existed before this year, like my energy healer and the concept of spirit babies. There’s so much more going on than I ever imagined was possible.
Fall is historically my favorite time of year, the weather turns cool (happy weather I call it) and being outside is so pleasant. The past couple of years I’ve really been enjoying the renewal of spring but there’s still something special about the crispness of the fall air and this change of season that just makes me happy. I’ve been opening the windows and the slight chill (along with some plans to have guests in my apartment soon and the absence of my husband who is traveling for work) have inspired me to do a deep clean. I’ve always been a collector or pack rat. I like to joke about being a few personal tragedies away from being on an episode of Hoarders. Seriously, under the right circumstances it could happen. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this before but when I watched a few episodes of that show and heard how the people rationalize their stuff it was scary to recognize those thought patterns as some of my own. I think given the option (and if money were no issue) I would probably rather walk away from all my stuff and start over than to really have to go through everything. It feels overwhelming. That said, that’s now my goal. One of the realizations I’ve had this year is that all this clutter is not just physical in its effects. I need to clear it up physically so I can make some space energetically as well. This is the same lesson that I didn’t want to hear last year when I emailed a health coach for guidance and she asked some really tough questions about how I was living at that time that I didn’t want to consider. I thought when I get pregnant or when I have a baby things will change. But know I know that things need to change regardless. And hopefully as I make these changes I’m creating space for my baby in my life. There’s already been a lot of change this year, but as I get closer to this FET I feel the urgency to do some of this work. After this initial mad-dash to make my apartment presentable to people I’m going to go slowly room by room and get rid of stuff physically and mentally that is no longer serving me.
Case in point – I have a significantly younger cousin who accidentally got pregnant right about the time I lost the twins. She and her younger brother (well, his girlfriend technically) both had unplanned pregnancies that year. This was really hard for me after losing my own long sought after pregnancy, and I have not really spoken to her (or him for that matter) or kept up with any news of their kids. Not really out of spite, just because it was easier, easier to pretend it didn’t happen. We live very far from each other and there has been no cause for us to speak. (I suck at keeping in touch, in case you didn’t know this…) Recently she reached out and said she’d be in town for a day and asked if we could meet up. I had been looking forward to seeing her but wasn’t really sure how I’d feel about meeting her baby and what if any emotional reaction I might have. Well I spent the day with her, her boyfriend and her amazing baby on Friday and it was wonderful. Her baby (he’s almost 2 now) was SOOOOO good. Seriously the happiest, best behaved baby I think i’ve ever met. He was a trooper all day and was so sweet. It was such a nice way to resolve those feelings I had of hurt and replace them instead with love and appreciation.
*warning – birth announcement*
I also got a message Friday morning that my SIL was getting induced that morning. She wanted a natural birth and had been going to a Midwife at some center where they send you home a few hours after birth but for some reason they kept stressing her out and then taking her blood pressure. So her blood pressure readings were all high and they kept pushing induction. At like 38 weeks she switched to a hospital center because she was so feed up with that other practice. She went to her due date but apparently the baby’s heart rate had dropped and they didn’t want to wait anymore so Friday morning I get a text that she is in the hospital getting induced. I hadn’t heard anything by Saturday afternoon and was starting to worry a bit so I called and heard that she was still on pitocin. Things were moving slowly but all was OK. My niece was born early Sunday morning and mom and baby are both well. Welcome to the family, niece. I’m going to wait for my husband to come home from his travels before going to visit. It will be nicer if we get to meet her together (it’s his sister’s baby after all). I’m looking forward to it. Crazy, right?
P.S. – This week is ICLW so welcome to any new readers – thanks for reading and commenting. I look forward to getting to know you all better on your own blogs.
P.P.S. – I think I start Lupron shots tomorrow… it’s about to get real y’all.