20 weeks and 3 days, that’s how pregnant I am today. Three and a half years ago I was also 20 weeks and 3 days pregnant, then I went into labor and the world came crashing down around me. Losing our twins was incredibly hard. Learning how to keep going as individuals and a couple took time. It has been a long 3 years. So much has changed. I have changed.
I realized this week that the twins due date had come and gone without my noticing. This is not the first time that has happened. I think there was only one year when I was aware of the date’s significance as it passed. I know this is mostly because as much as it was their due date, that day never really belonged to my boys. I knew they would come early. Not that early, but before their due date. When I realized that I had missed the day, it didn’t make me feel sad like it once did. I think I have released that day and any heavy feelings associated with it. The twins actual birthday, the day we lost them, is still a date of significance and always be. They will always be missed but I know the experience has made us better people and hopefully better parents.
As I sit here I can feel this baby move. It is the most amazing thing and I am so thankful to finally be pregnant again and to be this far along expecting a baby this year. I can’t help but have some fear about losing this pregnancy. I think it’s only natural given what we’ve been through, but I do feel that this time will be different and that things will be OK. I’ve started looking into birth options and thinking about building a registry – things I’ve been afraid to do until now. Come December I expect to hold this baby, my daughter, in my arms and I’m very much looking forward to it.