OK so I need a place to document thoughts and feelings as well as actual dates for tests, procedures and outcomes. I’m starting this a bit late in the game so here’s my IF story so far…
DH and I are about the same age… I’m 35 (turned 35 in January) and DH is 36 (turns 37 in Sept.) We’ll have been together for 15 years in October. We met young in college and we’ve stuck together through some challenging times. We got married in 2004 and waited to try for kids since #1 we live in New York City and people just seem to start families later in the city. We have a few acquaintances with kids but no close friends here in the city with kids (although we’re a couple/few years older than lots of people we know). I’m sure in suburbia we’d have had kids years ago. Growing up, I always imagined that I’d have my first kid at 30. That seemed old enough, but 30 came and went and we weren’t “ready” for kids. We didn’t have any money saved, we lived in a 1 bedroom apartment. And #2, DH is an artist and he was just starting to gain some recognition and success with his work and we wanted him to have the opportunity and time to try to build on that before we had a family and he had to restrict his options.
In 2009 we decided we were ready and of course thought we’d get pregnant right away… after all wasn’t that why I’d been on the pill for 12 years? We made announcements to our families that we were trying. I read a bunch of fertility books, started tracking my temperature and cervical mucus… the whole shebang. 8 months later when there was no sign of pregnancy we started going to doctors and having tests done. Turns out DH had an unknown genetic issue that (most likely) caused severe male factor infertility, meaning his numbers were so bad we had to go straight to IVF, IUI was not an option for us. Before we went there however, DH underwent surgery (on his testicles, ouch!) to see if it might improve his numbers. That was December 2010. We had to wait a few months to see if the surgery helped and when he was retested the results were a bit better but not good enough to take us out of the straight-to-IVF category.
We did our first IVF in May of 2011. We transferred 2 day 3 embryos but it was a BFN. We took a few months off as recommended by the RE and cycled again in September of 2011. Again we transferred 2 day 3 embryos and that time was our BFP. We were a bit surprised to find out that it was twins (although we knew it was possible since we transferred 2) and we were nervous about it but very excited. Right around 6 weeks, I started getting really sick (“morning” sickness). I was throwing up multiple times a day. It was awful. After a few weeks of this I was losing weight so the OB gave me a prescription that really helped. I was nervous about taking it so I only took 1 pill a day instead of the prescribed 2/day. I waited out the first trimester sick as a dog hoping the sickness would pass whenI reached 12 weeks.
No such luck… unfortunately it never did go away. I would go on and off the prescription trying to not take it then getting too sick to deal with life and taking it again. In early February I stopped taking the anti-nausea pill trying to tough it out and quit taking it. There was a day (a Tuesday I believe) when it was really bad. I should have gone to the hospital that day… maybe they could have prevented what happened. I was very sick at work that day, throwing up 3 separate times. Walking home from the subway I got sick for the 4th time that day and was throwing up on the street every few yards as I tried to walk home. I’d been having trouble holding my bladder while throwing up so I was actually puking and peeing my way up the street. It was a nightmare. I called DH near hysterics in tears and asked him to come get me. He rushed to meet me on the street and walked me home (the puking had passed by then). Once home, I showered and went to bed. Again, I should have gone to the hospital… I ended up taking the prescription again cause I couldn’t continue with things like they were that day. The next couple of days weren’t as bad nauesa wise since I was back on the prescription. I noticed I was sore/crampy but thought it was from all the physical trauma of being so violently sick so much. Then Friday night I noticed that I was getting up a lot during the night with a lot of mucus (actually fluid but I didn’t know it at the time) this continued into Saturday and by Saturday evening I knew something was wrong and that I needed to go to the hospital.
I never suspected it would be so bad. I expected them to tell me I was overreacting and send me home. While in the waiting room of the hospital I transitioned into labor. I could just feel the cramps/contractions getting worse as time progressed. Being told that I was in labor and that there was nothing they could (or would recommend we) do to save my children after we struggled so hard to get pregnant was the worst moment of my life shortly followed by the traumatic event of giving birth to babies I would never see or hold. We chose not to look at them because we were scared and devastated that they would not live. We also refused pictures (which now I’m occasionally sorry we did) so I’ll never know what they looked like. Calling it a miscarriage after 20 weeks is such a terrible way of classifying what happened.
We will never know why I lost the pregnancy. There was no reason found in any test or exam they were able to do. We had just had our 20 week anatomy scan and everything was looking great, then only a few days later to be in the hospital in labor… it was so heartbreaking. On top of the personal devastation, having to call and tell our families what happened… making those words come out of our mouths was the next hardest thing.
We were lost and emotionally wrecked after that. I of course wanted to try again so after the dr. recommended 3 month wait we went in for a FET. We’d had 2 embryos frozen from the 2nd IVF cycle. We thawed one and transferred it on May 7th 2012 (almost exactly a year after our 1st IVF). I got a positive HPT on the Monday before my beta (which was a wednesday). Beta #1 was 240 a good strong number. Beta # 2 was 339 not a good sign. Beta # 3 was 150ish, disaster. It was so disappointing. Getting that news on the heels of losing the twins right around the time when I would have most likely been delivering the twins had I not lost them was almost too much to bear. I’ve been pretty depressed lately. Very emotional and senstitve.
This is truly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.