I wish someone could have told me that it would be OK. I wish I could have believed anyone who tried.
I never meant to step away from this blog. It and you, anyone still reading, helped me through some of the most difficult days of my life. I just didn’t realize how little time I would have for myself, to do anything (I’m looking at you toilet. Yeah, I don’t even get to use the bathroom with out my little pee-pee peeper freaking out) let alone sit and think and write about how I feel or what I’m thinking. I’m sorry to all the fellow bloggers I judged who had babies and then disappeared from their blogs. I get it now. I’m sorry.
My daughter recently turned one (well actually she just turned 13 months). It’s amazing. She’s amazing. This past year has been amazing. It has also been really challenging at times. I love spending time with her and I miss spending time with me. I’m definitely feeling a little lost in mommy-land right now. I know this is temporary and one day soon I will look back and cherish this time, so I try to cherish it now and let the hard stuff go. Most if the time it works. I’ll have time to rediscover myself soon enough.
I always thought that I’d continue blogging here and that my focus would change as my life changed but now I know that it’s not that easy. I am a different person now from the girl who started this blog. I may come back from time to time but I think my regular blogging days are over, for now. I’m writing this post because I wanted to say something to any of you still reading, or to anyone who finds this blog in the future and reads about my journey, I want you to know that it’s going to be OK.
As I said at the top, I wish someone could have told me that it would be OK. I wish I could have believed anyone who tried. I hope you can believe me now. My journey through infertility and loss might look different than yours but we all struggle with out own issues. Looking back I realize I had a LOT of fear – fear that it might never happen and that I wouldn’t have the family I so desperately wanted. The view from here, now that I was lucky enough to have my baby, is so different. I wish I could just give my-former-self a big hug and let her know that it would work out, one way or another and that she would be OK. That she was enough and she was worthy and she was loved. As I typed those words I had to remind my-current-self of these same things and it feels good. I hope that as you read this you feel these words; You ARE enough, You ARE worthy and You ARE loved no matter what else is happening in your life I believe these words to be true for each one of us. If you’re reading this, it’s not a mistake.
My journey was difficult, I still miss the babies I lost and the years I spent on the journey (what happened to my 30’s?). But I’d do it all again, in a heartbeat, to be where I am now. My wish for each of you is the same. That one day you look back and think, it was all worth it.