I should be sleeping. My baby is asleep and I should be too. I get such precious little sleep these days. They say to sleep when baby sleeps, and I should, but there is so much that I want to do that I just can’t seem to do during the rest of the day.  I’m not really complaining. I’m so happy to be lacking in sleep for my little one. I know the sleep thing will get better. It already has. In her first week I got about the number of hours sleep each night as she was days old. It’s been holding at anywhere from 4 to 7 hours of sleep each night. This depends on the number of times she wakes, how long she is up for at each waking and how long I can keep going back to bed before she done with sleeping for a while. Then once I’m up for the day it’s really hard to nap when she naps.  As I said before in the short time each day that I am not holding her, there is so much to try to do.

I’ve watched so many (infertility) bloggers become mothers and disappear from the blog-o-sphere. Now I finally know why.  There’s no time to blog.  Anyone who does is amazing to me right now.  Most days I can’t even turn my computer on let alone find the time to write a blog post. Please forgive any typos cause I certainly don’t have time to edit. What I do have however, is tons of time to scroll through facebook on my cell phone while I’m nursing in the early morning hours.  Someone stop me please! My feedly reader is empty and I refresh my wordpress reader multiple times a day. However, I can’t type because my hands are usually occupied and I just can’t one handed type a blog post on my phone, I just can’t. I’ve thought about trying to use the voice to text feature but that hasn’t worked out yet. I’m afraid it will wake the baby! I spend many hours a day sitting on my couch or in the glider with a nursing or sleeping baby in my lap, and it’s amazing. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it is nice to grab a few minutes here to write down some thoughts…

First, a blanket apology to those who have not yet had success that I fear I might upset by talking about mine. I am sorry you’re still struggling. I hope that you too can experience the wonder that I’ve been living these past 7 weeks.  That said, the topic of my posts will probably focus on my baby and being a new mother most of the time, at least for now. If you’re not in a place to enjoy those topics and need to step away, I completely understand and support your decision (I’ve been there).  You gotta take care of you…

As for me, I’m doing my best to take care of myself but my little one is more important at the moment. She hit 7 weeks over the weekend… 7 weeks already, where does the time go? My little baby is getting so big already. She feels so much different than when she was a newborn. She’s gained a couple of pounds. Her face is rounder. She’s definitely gotten taller. She’s outgrown her newborn clothes already.  All those clothes… she wore things one maybe twice and I have to pack them away already.  She started smiling around 4-5 weeks but she’s really gotten it down now.  She gives me the most adorable toothless grins when I talk to her while she’s on the changing table. My body hurts, I’m exhausted, I’m hungry, I haven’t had a moment to pee… but she smiles at me and for a minute none of it matters.

I turned 39 a couple of weeks ago. I was 32 when we started TTC. It’s been a long journey but I know that it makes me appreciate these moments that much more. This past Friday marked 4 years since we lost the twins. Happy birthday boys. It’s hard to believe so much time has gone by already. This year was different obviously since I spent the day with my daughter in my arms, but it was a little bittersweet. My immense joy at having her here has made it even more clear what I missed with my boys.  But her sweet snores (yes my baby snores) are like a balm that soothes that wound. I will always miss the babies I’ve lost over the years and I will never forget, but I am going to try to focus on what I have and the miracle of my little girl instead of dwelling in the sadness of the past.