I haven’t been posting much. It’s not because I lack in things to say but more because I don’t think people want to read what I have to say. But this is my space to work through these things so I’m going to try and if any of you can’t read this now, that’s OK. I’ve been there and I totally get it. When the one thing you want is to have what someone else has the last thing you can stand is to hear that person complain. But that’s kind of what I’m going to do here.  So you’ve been warned…

Please don’t misunderstand – I am 100% absolutely totally grateful to be where I am and I wouldn’t trade this pregnancy for anything but in the 6 years we’ve been trying to start our family, I never thought it would be this hard once I finally got pregnant.

In this infertility and loss community we struggle so hard to get and stay pregnant. Something that is so natural to our species that many do not even think about it. I doubt any of us here ever thought we’d have issues having a baby. I know I didn’t. Even when I started getting older, I felt the pressure of time and my age, but I didn’t really think I’d have problems.  And then we did.

After 2 years of TTC along with one major surgery for DH and 2 IVF cycles we got pregnant with our twins boys. We were anxious about 2 babies but very happy to be on our way to being parents. That pregnancy was physically very, very hard for me.  I was nauseated constantly from about 6 weeks until I went into labor at just over 20 weeks.  As I’ve said before losing those babies and figuring out how to keep moving forward in life was the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. 1&1/2 years and 3 more ART cycles later my worst nightmare came true when I lost another baby. This time it happened fairly early and I found out at 9 weeks then miscarried naturally a couple of weeks later. Now here we are 2 years and 2 more ART cycles later. I am pregnant again. Thankfully this baby is healthy as far as modern medicine can tell us and I’m further along than I’ve ever made it before – this is all good news. The hard part is, I feel like crap almost all the time.  I’m exhausted and nauseated and hungry and uncomfortable and I still have so long to go!

I think we romanticize the idea of being pregnant when we’re struggling to get there. It’s the immediate goal for so long and we fight so hard to attain it that we overlook the potential downside. It’s something we want so bad that we don’t want to hear about the people who struggle with being pregnant.  When I was pregnant with the twins I was sick ALL THE TIME but I attributed it to being due to the extra hormones of a twin pregnancy and when I got pregnant this time around I hoped that it would be better.  And it is. I’m not AS sick as I was with the twins. Instead of puking 3-4 times a day, I’m averaging 3 times a week. Even still at 25 weeks I feel like I might barf at least once a day. But when I’m not nauseated I still feel crappy.  I feel like I have some major blood sugar regulation issues because I get shaky and hangry. I eat when I get up and then feel like I need to go back to bed. Trying to figure out what to eat for lunch as been a major issue for me. I almost never have anything in the house I feel like I can eat so I’ve been eating out for lunch a LOT. At first it was Chipotle. I ate there 3-4 times a week. It was the healthiest convenience food I could stomach. These days it gives me too much heartburn and I’ve moved on to a place that serves hummus and greek salad a few times a week. I’ve broken down and eaten a few sandwiches at home too. I know I’m not supposed to eat lunchmeat, and I would never forgive myself if something happened to the baby because of it, but sometimes a girl just needs a sam-ich. I know I need to do better with planning food but I just find it so hard and don’t feel like doing it.

I’ve been so lucky this pregnancy to be working from home and then unemployed and living off my severance. It allows me to get plenty of sleep (as long as baby is co-operating) and is much less physically stressful than living in NYC.  It gives me the freedom to go out to eat when I feel like it and go back to bed when necessary but that will all be over soon as I have accepted a job offer (thank goodness!). It’s the job I wanted (Yay!) although not with the pay increase I was hoping for (Boo!) so finances will still be a struggle but at least I’ll be working and getting a paycheck! I start in 3 short weeks. I’ve promised the husband that I would get everything unpacked before I go back to work. (No, I have not unpacked much of my stuff since our move at the end of March. Yes, I realize that it’s been 5 months. I don’t feel good so deal with it…)

I always heard that the 2nd trimester was this great time during pregnancy when you felt great and had lots of energy and that has certainly not been my experience. There was so much I wanted to do while pregnant and I feel like I’m missing out on some good times because of how I feel. Anyone who struggles so hard to get pregnant should get to have an easy enjoyable pregnancy. This is only fair right? Unfortunately, as we all know life is certainly not fair. So I guess I should count my blessings and not my challenges.  There is a baby growing in my belly and it is the best thing. The one thing I have been trying so long for. I can’t wait to meet her but I tell her often that she has to stay in there for a long time still. She’s not allowed to come too early. For her I will endure, but it would be nice if I could actually start to feel better and enjoy what’s left of this pregnancy. There’s only 14 weeks and 5 days left!

If you’re still reading, thanks for sticking in there while I vent. I don’t want to offend, I just feel like I’m not supposed to complain and I think that’s an unfair expectation.