Tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be 38. I’m feeling a little ambivalent about it.
On the one hand, it’s my birthday! A day all about me and the celebration of my existence on this plant. Yay! On the other hand, it means I am officially another year older and more “advanced” in my “maternal age”. It also brings up the fear that I will be too old to have the family of my dreams or that because of my age my potential children may be at a higher risk for complications.
I never wanted to be one of those people embarrassed to say their age. I’ve always thought that how we feel about our age is in direct correlation to how we feel about our lives. When I turned 30 I was feeling pretty good about it. I was reasonably happy with what I had accomplished so far on my imaginary timeline of how life should go. I was married and my work situation was slightly more stable then it had been for the previous couple of years. However, I was not feeling quite ready for kids even though I always thought that I’d want a baby by 30. My husband’s art work was getting some recognition and he really wanted a little time to develop that before we started a family. And of course, I never imagined it would be so hard or that on the eve of my 38th birthday I would be worrying about whether or not it will ever happen.
I’ve been feeling pretty old lately. Even if I’m not “old”, I am certainly not “young” anymore. As I inch my way closer to 40 and what I guess is “middle aged”, I reflect on the dreams I had as a kid and what I thought life would be like. I realize that my life is really nothing like I imagined it would be. I’m not a famous singer or actress and I don’t have tons of money. I’m just a regular person trying to make my way in the world. For the most part I’m OK with that. Are there things I wish I had done differently? Sure… but overall things are good. The one big missing piece is the children we’ve been trying so hard for, for so long. So as I face this new year I’m sending up a not so quiet wish that my 38th year brings me an easy pregnancy and a healthy baby.