It’s been a long week. Sunday started off with a
bang miscarriage. Monday was a hard day for me. I was very emotional. I worked from home because my big project recently launched and I couldn’t afford to take the day off but I really wasn’t ready to go back to the office. I’m glad to have the ability to work from home. I don’t think I could have made it through all this as well as I have without that luxury. Monday afternoon I took my “sample” to the clinic to send it in for testing. Knowing that was something I had to do was probably one of the reasons Monday was so hard. Going back to the clinic after a loss is particularly hard for me and I started to cry as soon as I told the receptionist why I was there. Luckily I had waited until late in the day to go and there was practically no one there to see me crying. The technician who took my “sample” was very kind and did have some good news for me. Remember, I wasn’t sure what I had collected and if it was anything at all. It was the only thing that didn’t just look like blood but it also didn’t look like anything recognizable to me. I had been worried that I lost the embryo but the tech said that it looked like I had the whole sac with the embryo, so they should be able to do some testing. I’m not sure how I feel about the potential test results. It’s not like they will change anything, but we will have to wait and see.
At the moment it’s hard to imagine it’s only been 5 days since my miscarriage, not even a whole week. Other times (like this morning) when I’m overly emotional about something, I remember that although my baby is gone, my hormones are still out of whack. I went to the RE for a follow-up appointment yesterday morning. He’d wanted me to come in Tuesday but I couldn’t due to my work schedule and he was booked Wednesday. So Thursday was the earliest I could do. I’d started having some pain that could get pretty bad (especially related to bathroom activities), and while I thought it was probably normal because I had a vague memory of similar pain after delivering the twins, I was a bit worried that there were some lingering issues. Luckily, he said that it looked pretty clear. My uterine lining was closer to normal and he said that he wasn’t really worried about anything being left inside. He didn’t see any cause for the pain and it has been getting better since then so I’m no longer worried. He told me to come back in 3 weeks for some blood testing and that we might have the test results by then.
As hard as this has been I must admit that it has been easier than losing the twins. I’m guessing that is due to a few main factors. First, I was not as far along in this pregnancy. I don’t want to minimize any loss as I still feel like my “chemical” pregnancy is a loss and I wish that others recognized that loss as I do, but I feel like the further along you are, the harder a loss must be. Second, I knew this was coming. After the initial shock and heartbreak of that ill-fated ultrasound when there was no longer a tiny little flicker of a heartbeat and I knew before the doctor could say anything that it was over; I had time to begin to come to terms with losing this baby before it happened. It was not a surprise traumatic event. I had time to prepare myself – at least as much as one possibly can for this kind of thing. And third, when I lost the twins I had never experienced pregnancy loss before. It’s sad to say but in a certain way it seems to get easier each time. In another, darker way it also gets harder each time, but I’m trying not to go there now.
Aside from the heartbreak and disappointment of the loss of course, the uncertainty of when things would begin to happen was the hardest part for me. It wasn’t the waiting itself. It was not knowing how long I would be waiting that was the challenge. I never knew when I left for work each day if I would have a miscarriage that day or not. I know from the stories shared with me that even in this, I have been lucky. I didn’t have to wait too long and my body was able to do what needed to be done on its own without medical intervention. I have wanted to post about why I chose to do things this way, why this was important to me. But I have not yet been able to really clarify the reasons to myself, let alone verbalize it in some way that might make sense to others. All I know is that I felt like I had absolutely no control when I lost the twins and this was a way for me to take back some sense of control. I know it doesn’t make logical sense because I really didn’t have control over what happened or when it happened. But, I guess making the choice to wait for the natural miscarriage was the one thing I could control and it felt like the right thing to do. Would I do it again? Well, I’m not sure. I hope I never have to make that choice again, but if I do I think that each situation deserves its own decision about what feels right at the time.