I just got an unprompted hug from the sweetest toddler I’ve ever met. And of course, I practically burst into tears.
I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, at least when it comes to dealing with emotions around all this infertility crap. I’ve been able to encounter pregnant women and babies without feeling that anger and bitter resentment that I carried with me for so long. I’ve been able to watch topical movies (even miscarriage) and have discussions with my husband about the difficult choices related to our upcoming cycle with out having a breakdown. I’ve actually been doing some self-congratulatory-back-patting about how well I’m coping lately. Maybe a tear, here or there, but no breakdowns. It’s been awhile since my last real breakdown. And today, BAM, it hit me. It was brief but it was full force. Maybe I need one of those “Days since last accident” signs… Mine could read – “Caution – Hysterical Crying Hazard: 0 Days Since Last Incident”
A co-worker’s husband and young son (2 & 1/2 years old) just stopped by the office for a few minutes and this kid is not shy. He was so friendly, saying hello to everyone. I usually (since my loss) have to excuse myself from these situations so I don’t get upset, but I didn’t feel that need to escape this time. I was just standing at my desk observing others interacting with the kid. I wasn’t going to go over to say hello, but I wasn’t running away either. Then all of a sudden he walked over to my desk to say hello to me and I got down on my knees so I would be closer to his level to say hi and he reached right out and gave me a hug. It was a real hug. The sweetest little hug possible.
Don’t read to much into it… The person he had said hello to just prior to me had asked for a hug and he gave her one with no qualms so he probably just thought that was the thing to do. But still, it was sweet. It caught me totally off-guard and by the time he was walking away to say hello to someone else, I was walking to the bathroom with tears in my eyes. Luckily the bathroom was empty because I was already crying as I burst in the door. It only took a moment to cry and then a few more to regain a bit of composure. I’m so not used to little people hugs, I guess that through all of this I’m lucky in that I really don’t have any friends or family with kids nearby.
What I also realized while crying in the bathroom is that the 1-year anniversary of the original due date for my boys came and went without me even observing it. I didn’t even realize. Of course it was never really their day. Even if I hadn’t lost them they would never have made it until their actual 40 weeks due-date. I was expecting their birth to happen in late May/early June, certainly not February when it came too early. But I digress, the point here is that the day didn’t haunt me. In fact, I didn’t even notice it’s approach or its passing. It’s been almost a year and a half since the loss of my boys, and I still feel the void of their loss everyday. Realizing that if I had carried them even close to term and they had lived, they would be over a year old already makes me even more acutely aware of the length of time that has gone by. I already feel like I’ve lost the best part of my 30’s to this in-between life of TTC and loss. I’m ready for the next chapter, ready to move forward, I really hope this next cycle works.