Should auld acquaintance be forgot… Yeah right. This has certainly been one unforgettable year and I am not sorry to see it go. 2012 started with such high expectations, who would have thought it would turn out to be the most tragic and difficult year of my life. Now I realize that there are many in worse situations and conditions than I and I am sorry for them but right now I need to do a little wallowing. This is my blog after all, it CAN be all about me.
A year ago I was happily pregnant. Well technically most days I felt miserable, but I was very happy to be pregnant. I was expecting twin boys and actually used to the idea. While we hadn’t really had any serious conversations about names for the boys, I already had temporary names for them, Lump and. Mr. Excitement. They were so named based on their behavior. Lump was not very active most of the time or at least from what I could feel (under ultrasound he seemed to move as much as his brother) Mr. Excitement on the other hand was who I felt move the most. I wonder what they would have been like… Would they have had the same temperament? Had I carried them to term, they would be 6 months old and this Christmas would have been completely different.
Last Christmas I bought an “expecting” tree ornament thinking this year would be full of babies’ first Christmas ornaments. DH and I don’t talk about it as it is still very upsetting to us both so I wasn’t sure how he would react but I really wanted to put that ornament on the tree this year. I felt like it was my way of honoring the twins. I asked DH to put it on the tree and only cried a little bit as he did. Overall I’ve been in a good place about all of this mentally since being off all the meds after september’s BFN. I definitely have cyclical times when the days are harder and the issues seem bigger but I know that it is hormones making me feel that way and I am slightly better at handling myself because of it. Once that week or so is over things look much brighter and I’m not so emotional. It’s still hard to talk about, but time helps. DH recently said I had a strong constitution. He was talking about something else entirely but it struck a chord with me and I think it applies here.
As we enter into yet another new year, I hope it will bring the thing I most desire… Until then the only thing I can do is focus on creating my own health and happiness both inside and out. You know how you never find the thing you’re looking for until you stop actually looking so hard, yeah well, that’s my new strategy. As much as possible, I’m going to stop trying so hard. Scale back the desperation a bit. So even though I typically don’t make resolutions, I’ve decided that this year I will be healthier and happier. I’m not totally sure what that means yet. I have some ideas but we will have to figure them out along the way.
So, so long 2012. Hello 2013.