I went back to the clinic last Thursday and my bloodwork confirmed ovulation. Yay, that means that my body did what it was supposed to in August, unlike July. So I was told to start estrogen patches on Monday 9/3/12. I got up early and slapped on a patch before heading back to bed. DH and I spent this past Thursday-Saturday nights at his sister’s house helping prep for and pull off her backyard wedding so we were exhausted. It was a LOT of work but it was lovely and I’m glad I was able to help make it happen. And who am I kidding, I sleep late on the weekends anyway…
Last night I did my first Ganirelix shot, as instructed. They want me to do a few ganirelix shots while wearing the patches before I start the actual cycle. As I was pulling the shot out of the box I noticed a warning about it causing headaches and thought “oh, great, the name-that-side-effect game starts again.” I’m excepting AF to show this weekend and then will start my “cycle” on day 2. Until then I’m changing patches every other day (put on the second patch this morning) and doing the shots for a few days. I still don’t know what these meds do specifically. The ganirelix is suppression, right? I don’t know why they need to suppress me after OV before AF but, whatever… I just do what I’m told.
This is IVF #3, total cycle #4. I’m desperate for it to work. I’ve been doing acupuncture and going to the chiropractor every week but I still have a lot of stiffness in general and pain in my right hip. I’ve also been trying to do some guided meditation for relaxation. I just downloaded the Circle & Bloom program for IVF so we’ll see if that has any special effects. It’s hard to find the time to do everything. I do like the meditations for sleep. Even thought it’s an extra 20 minutes awake while lying in bed, I feel like they do help me fall asleep and most nights after I do the meditation, I wake up before my alarm clock. I still feel tired in the morning but feel like it’s better to wake up naturally when your body wakes on its own rather than have the clock or other noise startle me from sleep mid-cycle. I need to keep trying to get to bed earlier. I purposely cut my TV time short last night, watching only one show with dinner instead of the typical two so I would have time to get ready for bed and get to bed earlier. I still didn’t get to bed until almost midnight… this needs work. I don’t know how people do it. I don’t get home until after 7… by the time I cook, eat, clean and do anything else it’s already later than I would need to go to bed to get a full night’s sleep. Why is it all so hard?
I’m starting to worry about the outcome of this cycle, the quality of any embies and wondering if I should do PGD. I don’t think I have it in me to deal with another miscarriage. Getting pregnant is so hard and requires all this work and chemical intervention that it’s extra devastating when it doesn’t work out. I’m so jealous and resentful of other people who have it so easy. My unmarried cousin fell pregnant right around the time I lost the twins, oops! I’m trying not to hate her (and all the other pregnant women I see)… it’s not her fault. it’s just SO upsetting and unfair. My #1 biggest fear right now is getting pregnant then losing it again, and of course a close second is not getting pregnant at all.
DH wants to have another SA test as it’s been a year since his surgery. I want to know what the numbers are too… can you imagine how nice it would be to just be able to try to get pregnant naturally. Part of me is scared that his numbers won’t be any better and that would make him more upset about the whole thing. He still has pain from the surgery, if the numbers still aren’t any better it would make it and the 6 months it took not worth it. At this point 6 months feels like a long time. I can’t believe it’s been 3 years since we started trying. I’m so frustrated that we waited now that all this time has gone by. I should be getting ready to have my 2nd baby by now… not still struggling to have my first. My age keeps creeping up day by day, month by month making it harder to have the family I’ve always dreamed of. There are so many dreams I once had that I’ve given up over the years, wanting to be a mother and raise happy healthy children is the only one I haven’t given up on. It is my last goal and the only thing I feel like gives purpose to my life. A bit dramatic I know, but that’s how I feel.
So as you can tell this cycle is going to be a bit of an emotional roller coaster. I keep bouncing between wanting to think positive and be happy to feeling scared and desperate. If this cycle doesn’t work I’ll need some time to recover. I know I want to keep trying until it happens but really I don’t know how much I have left in me. Oh, I hope it works this time.