I went to a celebratory gathering at a friend’s home over the weekend. It turned out to be an intimate group of 8 hanging out that night. 6 of the 8 (including me) were women, 1 was pregnant. And of course much of the conversation focused around the woman and her pregnancy. I found myself in a strange situation… part of me wanted to hate her immediately for being pregnant and of course the rational part of me wanted to be able to join in the conversation without hating her and without wanting to cry. (I think the pang of resentment I usually feel when I see pregnant women these days is just a protective mechanism to keep me from being upset and crying all the time.) Overall I was able to enjoy the evening and participate in the conversation. A few times I had to tune them out and just focus on not crying and not talking about my loss. No one needed to hear about it but it was hard to sit there and try to pretend it didn’t happen.
TMI ALERT*** In fact chances are this whole blog is TMI for most folks so if you’re not interested in reading about bodily fluids and functions you probably shouldn’t read it. There… you’ve been warned.
AF arrived this morning and caught me at work slightly unprepared. Flow is super heavy and I’m just hoping to make it through the day with the supplies I have on hand since I can’t leave the office to get anything else. Yikes. I’m worried about staining the new dress I’m wearing.
Called the clinic and left a message for my nurse to ask the RE about BCP vs Estrogen patches for this cycle. Got a return message that RE wants to try estrogen patches again. I appreciate that he wants to repeat the cycle that worked last time but now we have to do this whole stupid ovulation monitoring thing again…
I hope the scheduling of this cycle works out… I’m just worried about how it lines up with all my conflicts.
As suspected, Friday’s blood test showed no ovulation. The nurse said the estrogen and progesterone numbers went down which definitely means no ovulation. So it looks like it’s not happening this month. Who knows why… could be lots of things: stress, travel etc…
So I’m just waiting for AF to show so we can try to plan again. TMI ALERT*** Yesterday I had a bit of red blood tinted CM after a BM and thought I was getting AF but no go so far. I’ve only noticed a tiny bit of brown tint to the CM since then.***
Asked the nurse the purpose of the estrogen patches vs. BCP and she said they pretty much do the same thing. Silly me, I didn’t know the estrogen patches were a type of suppression. So now I’m wondering if the BCP might be a better choice for me so I can plan a cycle better. Especially since I have some conflicts in timing happening this fall. I used BCP for IVF #1 and Estrogen for IVF #2 so that’s why RE wanted to use it again… I got the best results that cycle. But now I’m wondering how much of a difference that made, especially when the stress of trying to predict and track my ovulation is considered.
It’s CD 36 there’s been no real progress so far… according to my estimated timetable I should be getting started with estrogen patches this week. No such luck. As of Monday’s bloodwork, they’re not sure if I’ve ovulated yet or not. Are you kidding me? Apparently they saw a rise in a level last week and thought I’d ovulated, but subsequent blood tests on Sunday and Monday show the level holding steady and not increasing like it should. So now they’re not sure. Ugh.
I was supposed to go in yesterday for more bloodwork but just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I went in today instead and now I’m waiting for the call to let me know what’s going on… if they can even tell. At this point I’ve decided to push the cycle back a month (or more). Of course there is this internal battle where I don’t want to wait another minute, and yet I’ve been a giant walking ball of stress for the past few weeks so I know the outcome will probably better if I wait. (as long as I can get it together and stop STRESSING…)
Going to acupuncture soon… (Honestly, I’m not sure how I feel about the whole acupuncture thing. It’s not covered by my insurance and it’s so expensive… I’m only doing it because I know it’s been proven to help and I don’t want to think “what if”. I want to know that I did everything possible to achieve this dream.) Last Friday I had a total meltdown on the acupuncture table. As soon as the needles were in, before the practitioner even left the room, I started crying. Lightly at first, but it turned into full-on sobbing (while trying to keep quiet cause it’s a really small office and you can hear through the walls). After a good cry, I managed to calm down for a while and then I got hysterical all over again. When the “dr” came in to remove the needles, I didn’t say anything I was just waiting for her to leave so I could get up to get a tissue. I had been crying for the better part of 45 minutes and had snot dripping from my face. I was a HOT MESS, it was not pretty. I cleaned myself up and sat on the floor to put my shoes on but was still crying really hard and taking too long I guess cause the office secretary came in to check and found me on the floor one shoe on, one shoe off, crying uncontrollably. It really must have been a sight. She went to get the “dr” who came in and made sure that I wasn’t hurt or anything then left me be for a few minutes. I managed to quit crying and get out of there, but I felt that swollen, tired I’ve-been-crying-all-day feeling all evening. I know that the needles must have triggered some sort of release, but I’m hoping that doesn’t happen again today.