The view from here

I wish someone could have told me that it would be OK. I wish I could have believed anyone who tried.

I never meant to step away from this blog. It and you, anyone still reading, helped me through some of the most difficult days of my life. I just didn’t realize how little time I would have for myself, to do anything (I’m looking at you toilet. Yeah, I don’t even get to use the bathroom with out my little pee-pee peeper freaking out) let alone sit and think and write about how I feel or what I’m thinking. I’m sorry to all the fellow bloggers I judged who had babies and then disappeared from their blogs.  I get it now. I’m sorry.

My daughter recently turned one (well actually she just turned 13 months). It’s amazing. She’s amazing. This past year has been amazing. It has also been really challenging at times. I love spending time with her and I miss spending time with me. I’m definitely feeling a little lost in mommy-land right now. I know this is temporary and one day soon I will look back and cherish this time, so I try to cherish it now and let the hard stuff go. Most if the time it works. I’ll have time to rediscover myself soon enough.

I always thought that I’d continue blogging here and that my focus would change as my life changed but now I know that it’s not that easy. I am a different person now from the girl who started this blog. I may come back from time to time but I think my regular blogging days are over, for now. I’m writing this post because I wanted to say something to any of you still reading, or to anyone who finds this blog in the future and reads about my journey, I want you to know that it’s going to be OK.

As I said at the top, I wish someone could have told me that it would be OK. I wish I could have believed anyone who tried. I hope you can believe me now. My journey through infertility and loss might look different than yours but we all struggle with our own issues. Looking back I realize I had a LOT of fear – fear that it might never happen and that I wouldn’t have the family I so desperately wanted. The view from here, now that I was lucky enough to have my baby, is so different. I wish I could just give my-former-self a big hug and let her know that it would work out, one way or another and that she would be OK. That she was enough and she was worthy and she was loved. As I typed those words I had to remind my-current-self of these same things and it feels good.  I hope that as you read this you feel these words; You ARE enough, You ARE worthy and You ARE loved no matter what else is happening in your life I believe these words to be true for each one of us. If you’re reading this, it’s not a mistake.

My journey was difficult, I still miss the babies I lost and the years I spent on the journey (what happened to my 30’s?). But I’d do it all again, in a heartbeat, to be where I am now. My wish for each of you is the same. That one day you look back and think, it was all worth it.

My baby is crawling!

Yes that’s what I said, she’s crawling. Well, technically it’s not really crawling, more like slithering. She’s managed to discover that she can push with her feet and slide around on her belly.  She is getting ready to crawl properly though. She started becoming mobile with a backward movement. Now she gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth and sometimes moves an arm or a leg but hasn’t quite figured out how to move them together to propel herself forward. I’m sure she’ll catch on soon and then – watch out! Baby’s on the move.

It makes my heart swell with joy for the tiny person she is growing into and ache for my newborn baby and each day that has already passed us by.  She’s growing so fast.

My little one is 7 months old already. She got her two front teeth at the end of May. You can see her learning and changing every day. She looks at me when I call her name. As I type this she’s rolling and sliding around on the play mat playing with some of her toys.  I just watched her **almost** sit up on her own.  She smiles when she sees me and she’s started reaching for me when someone else is holding her.  It’s amazing and I’m so thankful for this time with her.


Exactly one year ago today I had my last embryo transfer while the moving company relocated all my belongings. I spent the night in a hotel with my mom and crossed my fingers that, “this time it will work”. 

Well, it did work.  After years of failed cycles and loss, I am finally a mommy to an amazing little creature and the move has been a blessing overall. There are still things and people, mostly people, that I miss, but I’m learning to like Philly more and more. 

That day one year ago changed my life and as I sit here typing this, on my phone while my daughter sleeps with my boob in her mouth, I’m sending up a prayer of thanks. I know how lucky I am and what a miracle she is. 

On her 3 month birthday we went to NYC and visited some friends for the day. It was a long day but it was so nice to introduce her to the people who were there to see the struggle. Now they get to see the reward. And I’ve decided that you can too…  I like the anonymity of this blog so I don’t think I want to share her name just yet but since all babies look pretty much alike, I don’t think there’s any harm in sharing some pictures here and there. You’re welcome!  



I should be sleeping. My baby is asleep and I should be too. I get such precious little sleep these days. They say to sleep when baby sleeps, and I should, but there is so much that I want to do that I just can’t seem to do during the rest of the day.  I’m not really complaining. I’m so happy to be lacking in sleep for my little one. I know the sleep thing will get better. It already has. In her first week I got about the number of hours sleep each night as she was days old. It’s been holding at anywhere from 4 to 7 hours of sleep each night. This depends on the number of times she wakes, how long she is up for at each waking and how long I can keep going back to bed before she done with sleeping for a while. Then once I’m up for the day it’s really hard to nap when she naps.  As I said before in the short time each day that I am not holding her, there is so much to try to do.

I’ve watched so many (infertility) bloggers become mothers and disappear from the blog-o-sphere. Now I finally know why.  There’s no time to blog.  Anyone who does is amazing to me right now.  Most days I can’t even turn my computer on let alone find the time to write a blog post. Please forgive any typos cause I certainly don’t have time to edit. What I do have however, is tons of time to scroll through facebook on my cell phone while I’m nursing in the early morning hours.  Someone stop me please! My feedly reader is empty and I refresh my wordpress reader multiple times a day. However, I can’t type because my hands are usually occupied and I just can’t one handed type a blog post on my phone, I just can’t. I’ve thought about trying to use the voice to text feature but that hasn’t worked out yet. I’m afraid it will wake the baby! I spend many hours a day sitting on my couch or in the glider with a nursing or sleeping baby in my lap, and it’s amazing. I wouldn’t trade it for anything. But it is nice to grab a few minutes here to write down some thoughts…

First, a blanket apology to those who have not yet had success that I fear I might upset by talking about mine. I am sorry you’re still struggling. I hope that you too can experience the wonder that I’ve been living these past 7 weeks.  That said, the topic of my posts will probably focus on my baby and being a new mother most of the time, at least for now. If you’re not in a place to enjoy those topics and need to step away, I completely understand and support your decision (I’ve been there).  You gotta take care of you…

As for me, I’m doing my best to take care of myself but my little one is more important at the moment. She hit 7 weeks over the weekend… 7 weeks already, where does the time go? My little baby is getting so big already. She feels so much different than when she was a newborn. She’s gained a couple of pounds. Her face is rounder. She’s definitely gotten taller. She’s outgrown her newborn clothes already.  All those clothes… she wore things one maybe twice and I have to pack them away already.  She started smiling around 4-5 weeks but she’s really gotten it down now.  She gives me the most adorable toothless grins when I talk to her while she’s on the changing table. My body hurts, I’m exhausted, I’m hungry, I haven’t had a moment to pee… but she smiles at me and for a minute none of it matters.

I turned 39 a couple of weeks ago. I was 32 when we started TTC. It’s been a long journey but I know that it makes me appreciate these moments that much more. This past Friday marked 4 years since we lost the twins. Happy birthday boys. It’s hard to believe so much time has gone by already. This year was different obviously since I spent the day with my daughter in my arms, but it was a little bittersweet. My immense joy at having her here has made it even more clear what I missed with my boys.  But her sweet snores (yes my baby snores) are like a balm that soothes that wound. I will always miss the babies I’ve lost over the years and I will never forget, but I am going to try to focus on what I have and the miracle of my little girl instead of dwelling in the sadness of the past.


Getting me back

It’s crazy how quickly you begin to recover from pregnancy and childbirth. 

When we lost the twins, one of things I felt guilty over is that I felt SO MUCH better physically almost immediately. Emotionally it was a shitshow, but physically it was a relief.  The same thing happened this time too. My body just doesn’t seem to handle the hormones of pregnancy well. While pregnant I could not get through the day without taking at least one Pepcid. If I didn’t I’d feel sick and get reflux. Not to mention that I was still throwing up on the regular at full-term. I haven’t thrown up once since the birth of this baby. I also haven’t taken and haven’t needed any Pepcid. What I have been taking however is the hospital strength prescription ibuprofen i was given. Unfortunately I’ve been popping these every 6 hours but not for my lady parts, no, it’s cause my f-Ing tooth hurts so bad I want to cry. I started to get a toothache in the last weeks of my pregnancy. But I wasn’t about to go looking for a dentist in late December and pay any deductibles that I’d just have to pay again in a couple of weeks. Once I had the baby the pain started getting worse so I suffered through the holidays as my tooth pain got worse and worse (stupid, I know). Seriously I can barely eat and I certainly can’t chew on that side of my mouth when I do eat. Well I finally went to a dentist and guess what… I have an old root canal and crown that now has an infection under it. And it’s bad. I knew it wasn’t good because my jaw hurts so badly. It’s tender to the touch and you can see the swelling just looking at my face. The dentist has referred me to a specialist to either re-do the root canal if possible, if the tooth can even be saved, or I may have to have the whole thing extracted. I guess that old saying about losing a tooth for each child might have some merit after all. I hate the root canal anyway now that I know more about them from all my alternative health forays but the idea of losing a tooth freaks me out. My dad ended up getting dentures in his 40s so genetically I’m probably screwed. I’m going to try not to worry too much until I actually see the endodontist. In the meantime I’m taking antibiotics to calm the infection. 

I dislike taking antibiotics. Typically I dislike taking medicine of any kind, even Tylenol. However I’m in so much pain that I started taking the antibiotics without hesitation even though I’m breast-feeding and worried about how they will affect the baby. I was so concerned with having a vaginal birth so she would get exposure to good bacteria to populate her gut, and now the antibiotics are going to kill everything. Unfortunately I really don’t have a choice I need these antibiotics right now. I had DH pick up a probiotic supplement for me to help offset the damage of the antibiotics but we will have to see what happens. I’m hoping we don’t get thrush. That is one of the possible side effects. I’m also hoping these antibiotics can help ease the pain and swelling soon. Even with the very limited sleep I’m getting I think I’d be feeling great if it weren’t for this damned tooth. 

OK sorry for the tirade, back on topic…  I don’t know if it has something to do with the new year or if it’s just not being pregnant anymore but I want to do things I haven’t felt like doing since we moved almost 10 months ago.  I’m starting to feel like cooking again. I find myself wishing I could get this place clean and organized. I want to arrange my closet and do stuff you couldn’t have paid me to do a month ago. The only problem now is that I don’t have the time because I have a sleeping baby in my arms and I’m not willing to sacrifice these baby cuddles. Besides she’ll sleep like an angel as long as I’m holding her, but she doesn’t care for being put down and wakes up very quickly when I do   Apparently I’m her favorite pillow. And for her, I will sit and hold her and be a pillow for as long as she needs me to be. 

Happy New Year peeps. 

40 Weeks 3 Days 

Otherwise known as my daughter’s birthday.

For anyone waiting for an update… Baby girl is here. She arrived on 12/19/15 at 5:12 am. She was 7lbs 10oz and just as perfect as she could be. Since then it’s been a whirlwind of sleeplessness and unbound joy to have her in my arms. We are both doing well. She is worth every hardship and heartbreak we survived on this journey. I want to do it again already. 

At some point I will post her birth story or what I can remember of it anyway. Between the hormones and lack of sleep those memories fade so fast! Until then, I leave you with this…


40 Weeks

Today is baby girl’s due date. I almost can’t believe it. With everything we’ve been through over the past 6+ years of TTC and fertility treatments, losing pregnancies and our twins, there were times when I feared that this day might never come. I can honestly say that I am a different person than when I started this journey. And although I would not wish these hardships on anyone, I know I am a better person (and will be a better parent) because of them. I was 32 when we began trying to start our family. I always wanted to have 3 kids. But life doesn’t always go how you planned. I’m just over a month shy of my 39th birthday now and realize that I may not have another chance at pregnancy. I may never get to have another baby, but I know this baby girl is meant to be my child. We worked hard together to get this far and I can’t wait for her to arrive.

Now that I expect this pregnancy to be over. I’m looking back with rose colored glasses.  Since I prefer to keep my blog anonymous, I can’t post any pictures of me but I did have them taken and am glad that I have a record of how I looked pregnant, especially here at the end. In fact, I look pretty good if I do say so myself. I think because I was so sick for so long that I did not gain a lot of extra weight. Which is good cause I was carrying around years of extra infertility weight anyway. I also got a short haircut that makes me feel happy. With my cold finally gone I’ve felt much better overall. The cough is gone too and although these past few weeks have been somewhat uncomfortable (there is a big ol’ baby in there), they also seem to be the best of this pregnancy. At least, from what I can remember at this point. There has been less throwing up, less peeing at unexpected moments, less general feeling like crap. With the constant pressure of the coughing gone I think my pelvic floor is recovering a bit…  just in time for labor to ruin it all over again.

Ah labor, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit worried about what labor will be like. I’m hoping for a natural delivery without complications. I know, I know… but I can dream. My husband says I deserve an easy labor and that’s a sweet thought but  I’ve been having braxton hicks contractions for a while now and they can get pretty darn unpleasant. My belly gets all tight, hard and weirdly square shaped during some of them, it’s pretty crazy. My belly is pretty tight much of the time now anyway. Baby girl is big. Because I failed the 1-hour glucose test and refused to take the 3-hour test, my Dr. has been treating me as if I had gestational diabetes. I’ve been monitoring my blood sugar since mid-October and watching my carbs as much as possible. I didn’t go crazy with it since my numbers didn’t really indicate a big problem and the MFM confirmed that I do not have GD in last week’s appointment. But I do need to eat less sugar. I already know this. Anyway – since they’ve been treating me as a GD patient, I had an ultrasound last week to check the baby’s growth and they think she was 8 lbs 4 oz already. I know those scans can be incredibly inaccurate and they are estimating a number give or take a pound but that’s a good sized baby girl. Most of the newborn clothes I have are sized to fit a 5-8 lb newborn. This means that she may already be too big for most of her wardrobe.  Which is unfortunate, but I have a decent amount of 3-6 month clothes too so it’s not like she’ll have nothing to wear.

With my history of pre-term labor with the twins, I was worried we wouldn’t make it this far. Even last week as I was wrapping up things at work I was worried that I wouldn’t make it to the end before going into labor. We did the hydroxyprogesterone / 17P shot from weeks 18-36 to try to prevent early labor and I guess it worked cause here we are, full-term. Now I’m busy trying to convince baby girl that it’s time to come out – That she needs to do her part so she can come out and meet us face to face. I have a dr. appt tomorrow and if I don’t go into labor before then I’m sure they’re going to want to start planning for an induction. Based on the growth scan I’m sure they won’t let me go past 41 weeks especially considering that next week is Christmas. Not that I want to go past 41 weeks, I want labor to start today! But I’d rather it happen naturally and not have to be induced and deal with the cascade of interventions that typically follow.

So for those of you reading who have crossed over into parenthood, any advice? How did you know it was real labor and not Braxton hicks? What did you do during labor that made it better? What did you bring to the hospital that you were glad to have or that you didn’t bring and wish you had? Any tips for surviving a few days in the hospital if needed? What about once we get home – any tips on the first few days and weeks with a baby?  We really don’t know what to expect!

For anyone still reading that has not yet made it this far and is still waiting for your chance. I’m sending you so much love. I know your pain. And I know we each have to make our own decisions about when we’ve been through enough but all I can say is that my life looks so different than it did a year ago. Things have changed in ways I never thought possible. And while these things and this pregnancy did not happen in my preferred timeframe, they did seem to happen right when they were meant to. So without getting too woo-woo on you, I guess I’m just trying to say don’t give up. Keep believing it’s possible and it may happen in ways you never dreamed of.

It’s almost time…

Holy crap, it’s December already!  I’ve been wanting to post for weeks but just can’t seem to make the time these days.

Happy Holidays everyone. I love the holidays but somehow it just doesn’t feel the same this year. I think part of it has to due with the fact that I live in a new city and I really don’t get out much. This year I went from living in NYC where I’ve been since the summer of 1999 to living like a hermit in North Philadelphia.  Don’t get me wrong, Philly is a cute city. But, it’s so small in comparison to NY and where I live feels like suburbia and not “the city”.  In NYC I had to leave my apartment and walk to the subway to get anywhere.  Here I have a car and don’t walk further than a parking lot’s distance to or from anywhere.  (This has actually been a blessing throughout this pregnancy because I don’t think I could do all that walking in this condition.)

I’m so used to seeing the decorations and lights go up on the city streets and in my neighborhood that it feels a little disappointing to not have that anymore. My current neighborhood does not have any lights or decorations and it’s a bummer.  We, of course, have strung lights in our apartment. In fact I’m usually a day-after-thanksgiving-decorating kind of gal but I made my husband start working on it early in case baby made an early arrival. Aside from the lights we haven’t done much decorating and we have yet to go get a tree. Again something I usually do asap after thanksgiving.  So I’m not quite sure what the deal is with me but it just doesn’t feel very holiday-ee right now.

One possible cause would be work.  The past 2 months have mostly been a blur. This new job is great and working from home is mostly fantastic. BUT, it’s been super stressful. Trying to figure out this new role and do my very best work (in the short time before my baby is born) has been taking SO MUCH time.  It’s not unusual for me to be working 15 hour days lately and that’s hard to handle at this point.  Also I’ve been sick pretty much since I started this job in late September. I got a cold during my orientation program and inevitably gave it to my husband too. When I finally started getting better he gave it back to me and I got sick all over again. So that’s a good 2 months of upper respiratory infection type colds with limited ability to take anything to help.  I am FINALLY felling better. I do still have an occasional cough but have definitely kicked the illness.

Another possible cause could just be the baby. I’m 38 weeks today. Can you believe it? It blows my mind that one day very soon my baby girl will be making her grand entrance (or is it exit?). I am starting to get quite uncomfortable and she’s in there rolling around and occasionally using my bladder as a trampoline which doesn’t help.  Surprisingly, I really haven’t gained much weight throughout this pregnancy.  I think it’s because I’ve been so sick (I’ve spent the past 34 weeks throwing up 3 times a week on average) and have the reflux/heartburn issues on top of that. The pepcid had been doing a decent job of helping with the reflux until very recently.  In the past week or two it’s back with a vengeance.  I think she’s just running out of room in there and is squeezing everything else out of the way. Oh, did I ever mention that I failed my 1 hour glucose test? Well I did. And I refused to take the 3 hour test.  With this new job I just don’t have 4+ hours to take out of a workday to get it done and I didn’t like the idea of doping it anyway so I’ve been monitoring my blood sugar with a glucometer like a diabetic. I’ve been trying to cut way back on the carbs and other sugars and eat more meat, fats and non-starchy veggies. My number are not too high and don’t really indicate gestational diabetes. But they are sometimes borderline and to me that’s an indicator of poor insulin response and a warning that I have an underlying issue I need to work on even after the baby comes.  This is no surprise, I like the sweet stuff a little too much for my own good.

OK now on the important stuff… baby girl.  It’s really amazing to feel her moving in there. Each night after dinner I wait for her to put on a show distorting my belly into strange shapes and sizes. I think I startled her yesterday.  I was making myself breakfast and dropped a fork that made a loud noise and I felt her move sharply when that happened. I thought it was pretty cool for her to respond to external stimuli like that.

We did finally get to take a birth prep class at the hospital and they seem to be very mom/baby friendly overall so I’m feeling a bit better about the whole hospital thing.  We also decided to hire a doula to help us navigate the hospital politics and get the experience we want (as much as is possible anyway). We have rearranged our living space to give baby a “room” within our bedroom. We put the crib together, and bought a changing table. The glider was delivered and I picked up our newborn cloth diaper rental. At this point we’re only waiting for the co-sleeper’s organic mattress to arrive and I think we would have everything we could possibly need to bring baby home.

OK I’m getting rambly and this momma-to-be is tired so I’m taking my ass to bed. But I won’t wait so long to post again. I’ve missed this space.

31 Weeks



Wow.  31 weeks?  What? How did this happen?  Where does the time go?  What about all the stuff I wanted to do while pregnant? Oh, I know… I’ve spent the past 27 weeks working my way through complex emotions and dealing with unpleasant and sometimes difficult physical stuff.  Needless to say I haven’t been doing the meditation, yoga and any other spiritual type work that I thought I would do – that I wanted to do.  As it is, it’s still a challenge to make it through each day. But we’re doing it. And with every day we get closer to this little girl’s arrival.

Thanks friends for your graciousness in supporting my complaining post from a few weeks ago. It was nice to feel supported even if it wasn’t the most positive post. You just gotta let yourself feel what you feel sometimes.

This pregnancy stuff is not easy and it’s not glamourous.  At least not on me…  since I last posted lots has happened.  I started my new job, which is good but a bit overwhelming.  This whole working for a living thing stinks.  I much prefer sitting on my butt, doing whatever I want whenever I want and still collecting a paycheck but unfortunately that was only temporary.  I’m actually really grateful for the time I got to be on severance. I’m not sure if I would have made it this far if I had to get up and go to work everyday throughout this pregnancy.  It’s just one more thing that validates how moving out of NYC and making these lifestyle changes were the right move for us and this baby.

So anyway – the new job.  I am working from home. This means that I am on the phone ALL DAY LONG. I’m only 2 & 1/2 weeks in and still trying to learn the role so I may have a little more off the phone time once I’m fully trained but I’m starting to miss the days of sitting at my desk with my headphones on and not having to talk to anyone unless I wanted to.  All in all this is a good situation for me and I’m doing my best to do a good job.  The challenge is that I managed to catch a cold and have been totally sick since early last week. I’m on the mend and starting to feel better but I’m definitely not at my best right now physically or mentally.

In other news, I also have managed to develop PUPPS, self diagnosed of course. But my stretch marks started itching about a month ago and just got worse until they developed little bumps – that are now little scabs since I CAN’T STOP SCRATCHING.  I have an oil that helps a bit and I try to keep my hands off but sometimes you just gotta scratch.  They’re only on my lower belly at this point and I’m hoping it doesn’t spread.  It seems to be easing and getting a bit better so I hope the itchies go away soon.

OK on to some positive stuff.  I’m having a baby shower this weekend! If you can technically call a brunch with 6 people a shower. But whatever, the important people will be there, right?  My mom and sister are flying in, my MIL and SIL will be there and my oldest friend (we’ve been friends since we were 3 years old) is making the drive up to be here. I’ve already started getting presents in the mail and boy is it exciting.  It makes it feel all that much more real.   I found the registering part to be a challenge.  I could shop for baby clothes all day but figuring out what stroller to get and what crib mattress is best is almost too much for me.  I have no idea what I need to have for this baby. I keep telling people, I’ve been trying to get and stay pregnant for 6 years.  Ask me about stuff to do pre-conception and fertility treatments etc… and I can give great advice. But I’ve never made it this far so I have no idea what comes after the getting pregnant part. I don’t know what I’m doing, what I need or what I should be doing.

We’re still trying to make space in our room for the baby’s crib and stuff. We need to buy a changing table to fit in there too but don’t know how much room we have yet. I have too much stuff and trying to unpack everything I’ve left sitting in boxes for the past 6 months and sort through it all is overwhelming. But we’re getting there…  I was hoping to have at least a semblance of the baby’s area ready for when people come over this weekend but this cold (that my husband now has too) derailed that plan. My family has not seen this place yet and I was hoping to impress them with our new apartment but at this point I’m just hoping to clean up enough that people won’t be disgusted with my dirty floors and stuff everywhere. I can impress them with my home another time.

In other fun pregnancy related things. One of my nipples has started to leak. TMI? sorry…  It’s just the one mostly and it’s only a little bit but I can feel a slight wetness sometimes and when I check I have little dried crusty bits on the tip of my nipple. Weird right?  I’m still throwing up and still averaging 3-ish times a week.  It had gotten a little better, then I got sick and it totally got worse (like every morning) so we’ll see what happens over the next few weeks.  I’m still taking the pepcid the Dr. prescribed.  I’ve moved it up to twice a day now since it was helping at first then I would start to feel sick in the afternoons. So now hopefully twice a day will help more. I really hope this is not hurting the baby’s developing gut/digestion/immune system in any way.  I didn’t want to take it but it has really helped me.  Once I started taking it I was able to eat more and put on 7 lbs in the 3 weeks between Dr appts.  At that appt I was up 16 lbs total so that means that I’d only gained 9 lbs in the first 2 trimesters. Trust me, I don’t need to gain a bunch of weight but that just seems low to me. I’m sure I’ll be packing it on now that the baby’s gaining weight too.

Ah the baby… that’s what all this is about right?  Well she’s good.  At least, I think she it.  She’s moving around regularly and it’s getting tight in there…  Her moves are less like kicks and jabs now and more like rolls and lumps. We can see her moving from the outside and it’s crazy. My belly button has turned from an innie to an outie and you can see where she is sometimes by how crooked by belly shape is. This 2-3 lbs baby is heavy. At least she feels heavy especially when she’s pushing on stuff down low in my pelvis. It’s so exciting to feel her in there and know that she’s coming soon.  I’m finally at the point where I think that if I were to go into labor early that she could survive and it’s such a relief. I want her to stay in there until she’s done cooking but I have confidence that she would be OK if something were to happen.  Oh and big win….  She has a name.  At least I think she does. We’re not telling anyone what it is yet and I still feel a little insecure about it. It was not on any of my pre-baby name lists and is a more modern name than I thought I would have chosen but I feel like the universe brought it to me and I just have to get used to it.  Picking a name is such a big deal. I hope she likes it. It’s fun to call her by her name though. I am really starting to get excited about her impending arrival and I can’t wait to meet her.

Hope you all are well… I’m behind in reading posts but I think about you all.

25 Weeks 2 Days – Mixed Emotions

I haven’t been posting much. It’s not because I lack in things to say but more because I don’t think people want to read what I have to say. But this is my space to work through these things so I’m going to try and if any of you can’t read this now, that’s OK. I’ve been there and I totally get it. When the one thing you want is to have what someone else has the last thing you can stand is to hear that person complain. But that’s kind of what I’m going to do here.  So you’ve been warned…

Please don’t misunderstand – I am 100% absolutely totally grateful to be where I am and I wouldn’t trade this pregnancy for anything but in the 6 years we’ve been trying to start our family, I never thought it would be this hard once I finally got pregnant.

In this infertility and loss community we struggle so hard to get and stay pregnant. Something that is so natural to our species that many do not even think about it. I doubt any of us here ever thought we’d have issues having a baby. I know I didn’t. Even when I started getting older, I felt the pressure of time and my age, but I didn’t really think I’d have problems.  And then we did.

After 2 years of TTC along with one major surgery for DH and 2 IVF cycles we got pregnant with our twins boys. We were anxious about 2 babies but very happy to be on our way to being parents. That pregnancy was physically very, very hard for me.  I was nauseated constantly from about 6 weeks until I went into labor at just over 20 weeks.  As I’ve said before losing those babies and figuring out how to keep moving forward in life was the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with. 1&1/2 years and 3 more ART cycles later my worst nightmare came true when I lost another baby. This time it happened fairly early and I found out at 9 weeks then miscarried naturally a couple of weeks later. Now here we are 2 years and 2 more ART cycles later. I am pregnant again. Thankfully this baby is healthy as far as modern medicine can tell us and I’m further along than I’ve ever made it before – this is all good news. The hard part is, I feel like crap almost all the time.  I’m exhausted and nauseated and hungry and uncomfortable and I still have so long to go!

I think we romanticize the idea of being pregnant when we’re struggling to get there. It’s the immediate goal for so long and we fight so hard to attain it that we overlook the potential downside. It’s something we want so bad that we don’t want to hear about the people who struggle with being pregnant.  When I was pregnant with the twins I was sick ALL THE TIME but I attributed it to being due to the extra hormones of a twin pregnancy and when I got pregnant this time around I hoped that it would be better.  And it is. I’m not AS sick as I was with the twins. Instead of puking 3-4 times a day, I’m averaging 3 times a week. Even still at 25 weeks I feel like I might barf at least once a day. But when I’m not nauseated I still feel crappy.  I feel like I have some major blood sugar regulation issues because I get shaky and hangry. I eat when I get up and then feel like I need to go back to bed. Trying to figure out what to eat for lunch as been a major issue for me. I almost never have anything in the house I feel like I can eat so I’ve been eating out for lunch a LOT. At first it was Chipotle. I ate there 3-4 times a week. It was the healthiest convenience food I could stomach. These days it gives me too much heartburn and I’ve moved on to a place that serves hummus and greek salad a few times a week. I’ve broken down and eaten a few sandwiches at home too. I know I’m not supposed to eat lunchmeat, and I would never forgive myself if something happened to the baby because of it, but sometimes a girl just needs a sam-ich. I know I need to do better with planning food but I just find it so hard and don’t feel like doing it.

I’ve been so lucky this pregnancy to be working from home and then unemployed and living off my severance. It allows me to get plenty of sleep (as long as baby is co-operating) and is much less physically stressful than living in NYC.  It gives me the freedom to go out to eat when I feel like it and go back to bed when necessary but that will all be over soon as I have accepted a job offer (thank goodness!). It’s the job I wanted (Yay!) although not with the pay increase I was hoping for (Boo!) so finances will still be a struggle but at least I’ll be working and getting a paycheck! I start in 3 short weeks. I’ve promised the husband that I would get everything unpacked before I go back to work. (No, I have not unpacked much of my stuff since our move at the end of March. Yes, I realize that it’s been 5 months. I don’t feel good so deal with it…)

I always heard that the 2nd trimester was this great time during pregnancy when you felt great and had lots of energy and that has certainly not been my experience. There was so much I wanted to do while pregnant and I feel like I’m missing out on some good times because of how I feel. Anyone who struggles so hard to get pregnant should get to have an easy enjoyable pregnancy. This is only fair right? Unfortunately, as we all know life is certainly not fair. So I guess I should count my blessings and not my challenges.  There is a baby growing in my belly and it is the best thing. The one thing I have been trying so long for. I can’t wait to meet her but I tell her often that she has to stay in there for a long time still. She’s not allowed to come too early. For her I will endure, but it would be nice if I could actually start to feel better and enjoy what’s left of this pregnancy. There’s only 14 weeks and 5 days left!

If you’re still reading, thanks for sticking in there while I vent. I don’t want to offend, I just feel like I’m not supposed to complain and I think that’s an unfair expectation.